Time to Say Goodbye

Right 2016 has gone, vanished, it's history - everyone can now come out of their various hiding holes and breathe again! It's time to make those resolutions that we never stick to, join that gym that we never go to and in my case get my UK driving license that I've never gotten round to getting (I know - bit behind). So it's finally 2017! I saw in the new year cramped on a tiny balcony in East London, attempting to huddle for warmth with my mates (if anyone has seen March of the Penguins - imagine that but with people), watching the sky explode with fireworks as everyone happily popped champagne and said goodbye to a horrible year.

Now I wouldn't say that 2016 has been the worst year in history (1916 or 1945 for example, or the year Kanye West became famous...), but let's be honest, it hasn't been great. Personally, I was left devastated by Brexit, appalled by the events in Syria, angry at Trump and I will never truly be able to get over the sudden passing of Alan Rickman (as I write this I can't help but murmur 'alllwaaaays' to myself in what I feel is a worthy imitation).

Global events aside, however, 2016 wasn't a bad year for me. Actually it was really great. I completely changed careers having quit my job a year before to go travelling, I explored four new countries, left behind a toxic relationship, started dating again, unlocked a couple more of my passions and quite frankly grew up. Most importantly, I stopped second guessing myself, stopped thinking that I'm not good enough for someone and stopped compromising parts of my life for someone else's happiness. At the beginning of 2016, I gave myself an order -  that I was going to be a bit more selfish and less of a people pleaser this year, and I followed through. It was great - I highly recommend it.

It wasn't all good though, the one thing that 2016 did teach me is that sometimes things have an expiry date and that nothing really lasts forever, however much you may want it to. Sometimes you have to walk away and not look back. And so it is with this blog. I've enjoyed writing and editing this blog for the past four years but looking back on all the things I've written about from Kenyan life to dating in London, I can say with confidence that I'm no longer the same person I was. I've outgrown this lovely little blog and in the spirit of the New Year I'm moving on and leaving it behind.

It's not all doom and gloom though, as I think I would go mad if I stopped writing. So I have started a new blog, one which is a better reflection of myself. My new blog, A Shade More Sensible, (please stop rolling your eyes and/or laughing) will be up and running soon, and if you wish to keep up with my ramblings you can visit it here: www.ashademoresensible.com where I will happily be writing away with a laptop in one hand and a cappuccino in the other.

Happy New Year everyone!

Well Done Patriarchy - You've Had A Great Week!

So we all know about that overarching dementor-like thing that lurks over us women, pulling the chair out from under us whenever we feel like we are finally on top, smirking at us when we ask for a promotion or payrise and laughing at us when we "talk like men". Yep, I'm talking about patriarchy, who has had a fantastic week - so a round of applause for what good old patriarchy! *insert severely sarcastic tone when reading the previous sentence*

Reinforcing our lack of faith in our Criminal Justice System  

As most of you might realise, I am constantly glued to Twitter, whether it be to see what my favourite writers are getting up to, get some creative ideas or just to follow the news, I'm always tweeting away. So it was no surprise that I was online when the news of Ched Evans came up.

Initially, I was shocked, I fully believed that he was guilty, but I figured that there must have been overarching fail-proof evidence to allow for this verdict. So, you can imagine my disgust when I read that the crucial evidence against the girl had been given by two of her past sexual partners (neither of whom was present at the scene, might I add). In 2016, this should not be the way to trial a case, you should not base a rape verdict on whether or not someone enjoyed a certain type of sex in the past. That"evidence" doesn't mean she wasn't raped, the poor girl had a huge amount courage to make a claim against such a high profile player, she endured death threats and assault attempts when she spoke up. And to have her entire case dismissed based on her past sexual experiences? Well this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason women who are abused don't speak up, why they remain silent and why the abuse continues. Whether you like it or not the CJS's response to victim's of sexual and physical assault directly correlates to the likelihood of people coming forward. Why would they? When they're so likely to be victim blamed and dismissed from the outset? There are countless examples of this, and just when you think things are moving forward something like this happens. Go figure.

Normalising Sexual Assault 

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but can someone please explain to me how we got to a point where we have a candidate running for The President of America who openly boasts about sexually assaulting women? Can we really go from Obama to Trump? Really? It seems unlikely, but then look at Farage and Boris, it could happen - it did happen.

I know there has been a lot of backlash over the Trump tapes, with several of the republican candidates pulling out of backing trump. Which on the one hand is good, but on the other hand, let's not forget that they are the same men who vote against abortion and equal pay. Trump has time and time again sexually objectified women, treated them as second-class citizens and even gone so far as to admit that he would sleep with his daughter. Yet still, the women who support Trump stand by him, and the men normalise, mitigate and brush his comments under the rug and good old patriarchy rules out again.

The one ray of light we got out of this was an exceptional and a heart breaking speech by Michelle Obama. In it she tries to reassure people that sexual assault isn't normal, it's not okay and it sends a terrifying message to children.

The Gender Pay Gap Continues 

And the cherry on top of the cake, and the one thing that really gets me is, of course, the gender pay gap. I call on the government to get every young girl in the same room and look at them in the eye and tell them: it doesn't matter how much you work, what grades you get or how you act - you will never earn the same as a man. Talk to them about how the plastic bag tax has raised billions for the economy but how they can't close the gap. Tell them they are worth less than those plastic bags. Because that is what it boils down to.

New research, shows that men earn up to £85,000 more than women by the time they reach their 50s. The study also shows that this starts as soon as women enter the workforce, thereby we are being screwed over at every opportunity. Just look at Asda, only now have the court ruled it applicable for the women to take the supermarket chain to the courts over unequal pay.

So there you have it, a smashing week for patriarchy. Less so for us women, but all we can do is let our anger fuel us, use it to fight against the normal and hopefully one day it will be the driving force behind us becoming equal to our male counterparts in every aspect of life.

The Death Of The Dating App: Falling In Love Offline.

Coffee for one please :)

So, ladies and gentlemen, you will be pleased (or displeased, depending on which blogs of mine you liked reading) to know that the novelty of dating has completely and utterly worn off and my pompous posts about matches, bad dates, good dates and everything in between have come to an end (for now). "Why?" I hear you ask. To put it quite simply: I have fallen in love with someone. This person is someone who has been missing from my life, someone who completes me and someone who I have a ridiculous amount of respect for. This person is me.

Before you all start rolling your eyes and thinking oh no - she is becoming a self-help cult blogger, bear with me. This isn't a post in which I am going to tell you all to throw your phones into the Thames and take up meditation in Nepal. No - I am just going to ramble on a bit about how I fell out of love with online dating and through that figured out who I was (as much as one can in 6 months).

My online dating experience:

So to clarify, the fact that I am spending more time focusing on myself and less time engaging in mindless 'dating chat' with virtual strangers does not mean I have become a recluse in the dating world. Just that I am taking a very much needed step away from it (well, the online stuff anyway - if Scott Eastwood happened to walk past, stop and ask for my number... well that's a different story). The apps, which I once found so entertaining, now bore me and on them I am not the carefree, laid back person I know I am, instead, I am just another disposable face. Judged in a second by a stranger.

In the past six months of online dating, I have been on countless dates. I have met a vast arrange of people, been on second and seventh dates, created my own dating rules, gained a stalker, came across more self-entitled men than I care to admit, I have "ghosted*" people and been "ghosted" in return, I even used them to conduct a social experiment.

Sounds fun hey? I have had some great times and met some great people but unless you 'click' with someone, whatever that means, then the novelty wears off - there are literally only so many awkward pauses and "so......um.....sure you don't want an alcoholic drink?" moments that I can take. Unfortunately, I'm not alone in feeling somewhat emotionally drained by this new way of dating. Almost everyone who I have talked to feels the same, and yes I know we are in a digital age and all that, but when did we all become so disposable? I felt like something needed to give, and plane tickets to Nepal were too expensive so phone in the Thames it was!! Jokes - I would never give my phone such an untimely death. Instead what went were the dating apps.

So this offline love you speak about...

To bring it back to the self-help cult aspect of the blog post - yep I am totally talking about the importance of self-love, which can really only be found offline. With the dating apps no longer a part of my life, so too left the pressure I felt when talking to guys. I tend to suffer from FOMO - there I admit it, I always felt as if I was missing out on something. I never said no. I didn't realise it until I deleted the apps, but turns out I had FOMO on them too - what if I was missing out on meeting a great guy because I wasn't constantly swiping?

Now, I couldn't care less. The one thing that dating takes away from you is the time that you have to truly be yourself - you don't have to make compromises or sacrifices, you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with and you can just have fun.

So my time got invested heavily in the things which actually mattered to me. I had a huge clear out of all my old clothes (five charity bags worth to tell the truth), I started going to the gym way more (at 5:30 in the morning - yep I'm that person now), freed my weekends up for time with friends and most importantly took time for myself. Whether that be in the form of a long bath, reading my book, an evening walk - or even writing this blog.

It's not been easy, I am, by nature a bit of a people pleaser. It's taken me a while to get back to where I was - when I was ok being by myself. As I write this post, I am currently sat outside a coffee shop, with a blanket draped over my shoulders, an over enthusiastic pigeon at my feet and a cappuccino in hand. I am quite literally the only person sitting alone. And for the first time in a long time, I am completely ok with that!



*ghosted is the term used when you have been talking to someone online for a substantial amount of time and then suddenly you never hear from them again - no explanation, they just disappear - like a ghost.
* *photo source from shutterstock.

Do Blonde's Really Have More Fun? A Social Experiment Conducted By Me.

Oh Hey..... 

"See you later!" you say, with a quick kiss as you part ways, knowing full well that this is the last time you will see each other. In the modern dating world, people are disposable, you can meet them and have a great time and then never hear from them again. Welcome to the generation of instant gratification.

Alongside the rise of the digital dating age comes impatience and shallowness, and as millennials, we have embraced both quite happily and fully. Gone are the days where you approach someone in a bar and ask to buy them a drink, now any chance of a connection is based on shallow assumptions and how you portray yourself in a few photos and a sentence or two. In spite of this, we are still the generation who has less sex than our predecessors, as sad as it is apparently we are all glued to our phones too much to care. Regardless of this, I thought I would have some fun and see if one of the old stereotypes still rings true and that is - do blonde's really have more fun?

The Experiment 

Ok, so I would like to point out that this experiment was in no way a fair or scientific, it was just a bit of fun. I had my hair done recently and chucked in some blonde highlights, with a clever bit of lighting and a good photo angle, I managed to make myself look blonde (see above). Then I chucked the photo up on Bumble and quite literally let the games begin. Now I know some of you may be thinking - how unfair, she is lying to the guys, not being her true self, guys have feelings too etc, so let me just say right here and now that I was open and honest with each of them, and at the end of the day I didn't know any of them and they didn't know me so I don't feel at all bad. The aim of this was to see if I got more matches or comments with my blonde photo or not. I asked about 50 guys, and granted not all of them got back to me, some of them I think saw it as a test and ran for the non-existent digital hills, but a fair few did and what they came back with made me laugh.

The Findings 

This was a lot more fun than I initially anticipated and I even managed to get a couple of dates out of it, so win-win for me. Although the guys I asked told me the answers that they thought I wanted to hear, I still got some great comments back. To be fair to them, though, if I was asked I would most likely do the same. Here are some of my favourite answers:

So Do Blondes Really Have More Fun? 

So the answer to this question is, in my opinion, probably not. However, as I said previously the answers I got were probably what boys thought I wanted to hear. Anyone who bothered to look at the rest of my photos would realise that I am without a doubt definitely a brunette, and that is something I won't be changing anytime soon. This was a completely ridiculous experiment to conduct, and my findings very unreliable, but having said that I did find it interesting how guys responded to the questions I asked them. Obviously, it shouldn't matter what colour hair someone has, but seeing as you base your decision on whether to talk to someone on a mere photo, it's something that people now pay attention to. I always thought I had a "type", but recently I have been on a few dates with someone who is probably the antithesis of what I usually go for so I guess it's all about getting rid of the so-called 'labels' and just going with the flow! So get out there and have fun guys, you never know, the unexpected might surprise you!

The "Rules of Dating" According To Yours Truly...

Please remove yourself from my personal space immediately...

I've been back in the dating game for several months now, and as far as I'm concerned it's going quite well, I've met lots of new people (only a few crazy ones so far) and generally I'm having a good time. Dating for me is just a bit of fun, I go into dates not looking for anything serious and just to meet someone new and see what happens. If I meet someone who I fancy seeing more than a couple of times then that's great, if not - I'll get over it. Recently, I had a catch up with an old friend of mine and the subject of dating and the rules of dating inevitably came up, so about three drinks and a pizza later we found ourselves googling 'dating rules' and debating how ridiculously outdated and sexist they are.

We all know that society isn't ready to accept equality between men and women, and those of you who read my blog know that this is something that I feel very strongly about, but even I wasn't prepared for the barrage of sexism which greeted me after my little gander on google. The first page of google is flooded with articles entitled things like "Dating Rules to Get the Guy" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Dating Rules Men wish you would break" (Glamour), "10 Rules for Dating when you want a serious relationship" (Huffington Post) and "How to get that girl" (Men's Health). I mean really? To me, none of these articles looked the least bit worthy of my time as they preach that ridiculous notion that women only ever want a relationship and men only ever want sex, both of which are vastly untrue.

So what are these "rules"?

I thought I would have some fun with it and pick out the most overused and ridiculous rules and poke some holes in them. So here we go:

1) Don't text back immediately - wait a day or so. 
The Reason: apparently you seem to keen and clingy

Verdict: Nope sorry,  I don't take into consideration a timeline when messaging at all. I either do it right away or hours later, it entirely depends on what I am doing at the time and not on how I wish to 'portray' myself to a virtual stranger. But people actually do abide by this rule, I remember at uni once, my utter confusion when my housemate got a BBM (how retro is that?) from a guy she was interested in and refused to even look at it for 3 hours in case he thought she was desperate! Luckily, this dynamic is changing now, with apps being the main way people meet. Bumble, for example, gives you 24 hours to strike up a conversation or you unmatch with that person. On a personal level, I also have to admit that if a guy waited a day or so to message me back I would have already moved on.

2) Letting the guy pay for everything 
The reason: guys like to be flashy, and impress you with the attempt at being chivalrous.

Verdict: Truth be told, it makes me uncomfortable. It's the 21st century, not the 1920's. Who ends up picking up the bill shouldn't be a thing, I am happy to let someone pay for the first round of drinks as long as I get the next, but if a guy constantly insists on paying for everything, I admit I get wary and back away.
I don't really believe in chivalry - manners yes, but chivalry, in my opinion, is just society's way of telling men that if you behave a certain way then women will like and respect you.

3) Don't mention your family
The reason: makes you look like you want too much too soon from the other person.

Verdict: I think I have mentioned my family on pretty much every single date I have been on, it kind of goes with the whole 'tell me about yourself' question...

4) Focus on one person at a time
The reason: gives you time to really get to know the other person

Verdict: haha - no one does this! With dating apps, you just have way too much choice. Guys tend to swipe rights for every girl who pops up on their app (even if they tell you otherwise) and although girls are more selective, it's not too much of a difference. So unless you get to a point where you both only want to see each other, I would strongly discourage anyone from only focusing on dating one guy/girl at a time.

5) Wait as long as you can before sleeping together
The reason: to develop that "emotional connection" before taking things to the bedroom

Verdict: out of all the 'rules', this one annoys me the most. Every single thing I have read states that if you sleep with a guy on the first date, he will see you as a good time girl and that's the end of it, whereas if you wait he will see you as wife material. I mean come on! This plays straight into the sexist idea I mentioned before - that society thinks women just want marriage and men just want a good time. My advice - scrap this rule NOW! Do whatever you feel comfortable with, whenever you feel like it. Also if one of you is only interested in a physical relationship, then I can guarantee you that waiting won't change that and you will just end up hurting yourself in the process. If it's the right person, then it won't matter if you hook up on date one or date twenty.

Overall Verdict? 

So basically, my dating rules are that there are no rules. I figure it out with each guy, and in my opinion, that's what everyone should do. Luckily, with the rise in dating apps, more and more of these so-called 'rules' are becoming outdated and not read as the 10 commandments, but there are still those out there who will abide by them due to the media painting a picture of what a relationship should look like.

My advice? Scrap the rules and do whatever the hell you want to do.


*Image sourced from Shutterstock 

To Hat or not to Hat: A Critique of Female Wedding Attire

Any thoughts?

I am not a fashion blogger, I have never been a fashion blogger and I have absolutely no interest in ever becoming a fashion blogger, so this is my first (and maybe last depending on the reaction) blog on clothes. After all, I grew up on a farm wearing jeans, a t-shirt and no shoes; the first time I came into contact with 'fashion' was when I was shipped off to boarding school and even then it was only the classic public school clone uniform of Jack Wills and Abercrombie and Fitch (happy to say I haven't set foot in either of these stores for several years now). It was a weird moment in my life when I attempted to get into it, I bought the hoodie and the trackie bottoms for about £100 and I started to say 'yah' at the end of each sentence- luckily I remained a fraud and it didn't stay with me, so yeah, I'm not exactly the next fashionista.

Anyway, at some point in the last couple of years and without me realising it, my Facebook feed has become flooded with engagement announcements and wedding photos. I, ladies and gentlemen have reached THAT stage in my life, but don't worry I am hardly sitting on my bed, looking at my left hand and dreaming of Prince Charming. No, I am far more concerned about how long it will take me to see the world and how many years it will be until I can afford to get a pug puppy.  This is who I am, which probably is why I actually find it so irritating putting in so much effort for someone else's "big day" (cynic alert!), I will however, leave my cynicism of marriage for another blog post.

Finding a dress: 
So first things first, my desperate attempt to find a dress, can someone please answer the question - WHY IS EVERYTHING FLORAL? I mean I'm not against floral exactly, but I kid you not - every single 'wedding' garment has flowers on it (see above), it's the done thing apparently. Then there are the other rules that you have to follow. For example how much white is too much? Interestingly before religion got involved, and Queen Victoria wore a white dress, brides traditionally wore coloured dresses to show their status and wealth, and the bridesmaids wore white as it was considered a plain colour. Technically now, women wear it because it's the done thing, not because they are signalling their virginity and purity - I mean it's the 21st century guys, 'purity' doesn't exist - get over it! The list is endless. Sometimes it really sucks being a girl, maybe I should just buy a suit, break tradition and get it over with.

To hat or not to hat
The next thing to consider is do I have to have something on my head? After I got over my initial eye-roll at the fact that hat etiquette is a thing (only the British right?) I decided to do a bit of research into why. Turns out the tradition of women wearing hats to weddings actually dates back to when the Anglican Church required women to cover their heads in church (go figure) and has just developed into a weird fashionable tradition for British ladies. And get this, there are rules to hat etiquette, my dear friend - RULES!! Most of them are completely ridiculous but the two which make me laugh/cry a little bit are:
1- The mother of the groom should always wear a hat which is smaller than the mother of the bride
2 - The mother of the bride dictates when other ladies remove their hats and fascinators, when she has hers on - you have yours on...*cries with laughter*
To me this all seems way too outdated, the only hat I feel happy wearing is my safari hat, and something tells me that I might be a bit out of place in one of those...

The Shoes 
And here is where I fall down completely. I don't really wear heels - ever! Besides the fact that they are male invention designed to make women's legs look skinner and make it harder for them to run away, I just find them unconformable and besides they impede on my epic dancing skills.

I think I might just have to bite the bullet and find one outfit which is 'wedding worthy' and then to the unthinkable and wear it to every upcoming wedding I have.

Wish me luck!

Feminist Revolution? Hang On A Minute...

So today has been a fun day for British politics hasn't it? For the second time in British history and the first time in 26 years, we have a female Prime Minister, and of course the internet has gone crazy - from people comparing her to Maggie Thatcher (mainly because she has boobs as opposed to balls) to people raging about how we are on the brink of a feminist revolution. But are we actually all now riding a wave to equal pay and gender equality? I don't think so.

So how did this happen?
I am going to be quite frank here - lately in the world of politics men have really managed to mess everything up! Not only that, they did it and then they ran for the hills, leaving others to clean up their devastating mess. Now don't get me wrong, I was jumping for joy when, the sly peroxide weasel Boris Johnson, cowardly ran to the sidelines, and was taking to the streets singing when Gove realised, that no he didn't have any friends, but this joy deteriorated quite quickly when I realised that once again women were going to pull the short straw. On the one hand we had Leadsom, a politician who would be better placed in the 1920's with her tasteless jibes at childless women and her quite frankly ridiculous attempt at being the 'Mother of Britain', on the other hand the Home Secretary, penned by the media as the "bloody difficult woman" Theresa May. Leadsom pulled out, and Theresa May became Prime Minister with no public vote - go figure.

So there we have it: Thesea May for PM, Nicola Sturgeon for Scotland and potentially Angela Eagle for Labour. Women are the new decision makers so why aren't we running to the streets quoting Emmeline Pankhurst? Well the answer to that is that what is happening here should by no means by misinterpreted as a feminist revolution.

Why is this bad for Feminism?
We have a new Prime Minister, and she is a woman, but I'm afraid just because she doesn't have something dangling between her legs, doesn't mean she has great record for equality.  The Conservatives are known to openly shun the all-women shortlists and gender balanced candidate lists favoured by Labour and Green, and as a consequence they are the party with the least women, and yes a couple made it through, but more would have done if there was such a thing as equality in politics. Theresa May, the longest running Home Secretary in British history, openly calls herself a feminist and has worked very hard to get to where she is in her career, but did she do it through fighting for change and representing equality? Nope, sadly she she had to fit the mould and imitate the male leaders before her. In the words of Emmeline Pankhurst "men make the moral code and they expect women to accept it", and accept it May did.

I don't want this to sound like a personal attack on May herself, unfortunately sometimes as women we have to act like men to be heard, I have done it myself so I understand why she did what she did. On the other hand however, there are certain things which she has done politically which means I, personally cannot accept her as the feminist leader this country so desperately needs. Throughout her career in politics May has constantly voted and implemented cuts which directly make women's lives harder, she was a strong supporter of bedroom tax and she also voted for Universal Credit - a policy which gives financial support to a sole member of a family, thus putting those trapped in abusive relationships at risk. In addition to this, she defended immigration detention, renewed contracts with Serco (despite sexual violence reports) and deported thousands of people. She did a lot of this whilst being Minister for Women and Equality....erm anyone else see the problem with this?

Sadly it is these acts like these which got her the backing that she needed, and if feminist progress is measured in acts, then May's speak loud and clear.

So what does the future hold? 
Your guess is as good as mine. There is a lot of unrest in the country due to the outcome of the referendum, and although May has said and I quote "Brexit means Brexit" there is a rocky road ahead for her. May does have a few good sides, for example she was behind a huge movement to tackle violence against women, she also co-founded Women2Win, an organisation set up to encourage more female Conservative MP's (the fact that this is needed speaks volumes),so she isn't completely draconian, though she isn't far off. May is also expected to elect several women into her cabinet in a bid to create a more gender-balanced government, which is a step in the right direction.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the future of our country, a woman yes, but a woman who has been forced to embody the 'male Conservative' qualities that we are quite frankly fed up with. Although everyone has the right to call themselves a feminist, if you are in a position of influence then you simply cannot be a true feminist if you vote for things which affect the chances of reaching gender equality, if you do not help those in need and if you turn a blind eye to whats happening around you.

It will be interesting to see what she does in her new position of power, will we see the gender pay gap close? Will we see more equal opportunities arise for women? Will we be on able to crash through that glass ceiling? Only time will tell; I would hold your horses, fellow 21st century suffragettes, I'm afraid it will be a long battle ahead.


*Second Image from Kotin -  Shutterstock 

Single in the City: Intelligence Button? Anyone?

Dating is like getting lost in a book shop, loads of the same old story, stories that bore you after the first sentence,books you only want to read once and every now and then something you want to take home with you. 

I am just going to put this out there - dating is exhausting!! I quite literally feel like my mind has run a marathon after several weeks on dating apps. Usually when I go on Bumble, I get about 12-20 matches, out of those I start a conversation with maybe 3 and then maybe two reply. Along with deciding which various matches I can be bothered to talk to; actually striking up conversations and then going the extra mile and meeting them just seems like way too much effort.

I lead a very busy life as it is, I'm up three times a week at 5:30am for gym sessions, my evenings are filled with catching up with friends, networking events and theatre trips. And over my dead body will I give up my evenings in with a book to meet someone I don't even know - less than zero interest in that.

So this Intelligence Button... 

The one thing that has struck me over and over again in this process is how much time I would save if there was a way to vet the guy's intelligence before actually going on a date. Just imagine how great this would be - and, my friends, I am not alone in thinking this. I have had countless conversations with my friends and relative strangers over this and I get the same, familiar story every time: they seem OK to start with, then you meet them and realise that they're a complete idiot and you would much rather be in bed catching up on Orange is the New Black (true story!).

We are the generation of instant gratification, we choose potential partners based on shallowness and lust, and we like the fact that we can get rid of them as easily as we find them. But it's time consuming and frankly, quite boring.

Now I don't want to be mean to the general population of Bumble Boys, I am sure there are some great guys out there. I am sure most of you aren't complete idiots, in fact I know you aren't all stupid, so a shout out to all the lovely intelligent men I have been on dates with, and it's a shame that you are the minority. Unfortunately, however, I have had the 'pleasure' of meeting some guys who are at the opposite end of the spectrum and there have been times where I have promptly stopped talking to them, made a speedy exit or simply banged my head on the table in despair!

Go on, give me some examples:

These are all 100% legitimate things which have been said to me

- "Obviously Nigel Farage wouldn't outright lie(!) but at least if he got in we would have some good leadership" - Ben* (ironically only half English)

- "So I have a confession to make - I found your blog" - I would like to point out that this was said on the first date and he didn't even know my second name - BACK OFF YOU CRAZY STALKER!

- "So feminists are just men haters" - Liam *facepalm*

- "You definitely aren't from Kenya because...well....you know..." - Go on Joe - finish the sentence!

- "I haven't seen The Book of Mormon because I don't want to be converted" - Alrighty then Alex

- "Well all women want is marriage and babies" - Matthew, you poor misinformed man - what a one-dimensional life you must lead

- "White male privilege doesn't exist" - my ex (relationship ended two days later)

- "You went to a Burlesque performance? What was it like being the only girl in a strip club?"  Chris, please don't talk about things you don't know about

- "Caitlin Moran? Yeah she has done pretty well considering her sex change" - Pahahaha go back to school Jake, go back to school!

Anyway my point is, these instant gratification apps, with their pictures and maybe a line or two of text about the opposite sex are very hollow and boring as hell. I have been talking to so many guys on them and the more and more the conversations go on the more I am dumbfounded by the lack interesting people out there. So my next steps will be to come up with some great questions that I can ask any guy to gauge how intelligent he is. Who's with me?


*All names have been changed in case any more of the guys are crazy stalkers

Time for Another Book Review

So...its been a while since I have reviewed anything, and as it happens I have just finished a pretty God damn interesting book so thought I would share it with you. Now before you all take one look at the title and think "oh God, singledom is getting to her - she is now completely mad for one thing...", I invite you my dear readers to simply brew some tea, get comfy and continue reading.

I Love Dick is an intriguing read, and truth be told I had no idea what I the content would entail. To give you an idea of how much I loved this book I have now ordered other titles from my new favourite author Chris Kraus.

The Elephant in the room...

Ok let's get this over with and talk a little bit about the title, I can practically feel your judging expressions leaping out at me. I would like to point out that anyone who is reading this with a slightly immature grin on their face, the title of this book refers not to part of the male genitalia, but rather to a contemporary of Kraus', a fellow cultural critic, who goes by the name Dick. So, yes I am going to take that ever infuriating intellectual high ground and raise my eyebrows back at you! However, I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed the shocked expressions on the faces of the prude middle class mothers and business men on the Tube when I was reading it.

Time of some spoilers...

I can guarantee you that this book will be unlike anything you have read recently. Kraus, in her unique writing style manages to completely de-construct the social norms of writing, the book is written like a memoir, but not a memoir, critics calling a new genre.

This 'novel', so to speak, follows Kraus' infatuation with the character Dick, after first meeting him for dinner with her husband Sylvere. This infatuation becomes the crux of the narrative and a vital aspect to the novel, with Kraus and her husband openly writing letters and leaving messages for Dick practically begging him to sleep with Chris. Although most of these letters are not sent, and the phone is often hung up before a message left, my guess is that these projections are metaphors for Chris and Sylvere's sexual exploration and the deconstruction of their marriage.

In fact, as I read it, it became more and more clear that the character Dick soon ceases to be a part of reality, and merely becomes a projection of Kraus' desire. A projection that is a representation of a life she strives for, but will never have.

Yet, when the two do eventually get together and Dick is there in the flesh so to speak, Kraus believes her desires will be fulfilled. However, reality kicks in and she is only left disappointed and empty as she realises that Dick sees her as noting more than a temporary nuisance. Thus, symbolising the brutal reality of life and unrequited love.

On reflection...

Although Kraus herself has denied the novel as a memoir, she admits to a few of the facts as true, and that it was indeed a reflection of her own journey. The characters are all based on actual people in her life, with Dick's name not being changed, despite the cease and desist letters he apparently sent her at the time of publication. She has said that she changed some of the events to protect the identity of everyone.

Although this book, with chapter after chapter starting with 'Dear Dick', apart from one where she admits to him being more of a projection and thus starting with 'Dear Diary', point to her deep infatuation with a man, I believe this book isn't so much about Kraus' obsession with Dick, but it more a journey of self discovery.

Overall, I would recommend this to any of you out there who have experienced that all consuming high school crush, work-collegue infatuation or the unspoken words between friends. I related to more than one aspect in this novel and I challenge anyone who is put off by the title not to empathise with Kraus' journey.

Amber, Johnny and Why it Matters...

Unless you have been hiding under a rock for the past few weeks, you will have heard about the allegations against Johnny Depp from his soon to be ex-wife Amber Heard. While they are complete strangers to us ordinary guys, sadly the situation isn't new, and sadly neither is the public's reaction.

The public have spoken, and the majority rules: we have seen people take the side of the abuser over the victim. Twitter has seen a rush of people jump to defend the 'honour' of Depp with the hashtag #imwithjohnny and equally belittle and blame Heard for being a "gold-digger", "liar" and  "slut who had it coming". It doesn't matter that she has an eye witness and photographic evidence. Apparently Depp's lawyers have stated that one of the bruises was because Depp threw his phone at Heard in an "isolated" incident. I'm sorry. but it whether it was isolated or not shouldn't matter, that admittance should be enough - but sadly it isn't.

We saw a similar thing happen years ago between Rihanna and Chris Brown. The reaction, however, was different, of course there were those who defended Brown, but the majority of his supporters turned against him. This may be due to racial stigmas and stereotypes, I don't know, but more people were on Rihanna's side than they are on Heard's. Of course we don't want to believe it - this is Captain Jack Sparrow we are talking about, the man we looked up too who was always a bit weird but brought us The Mad Hatter and Edward Scissorhands. We think we know him, but the reality is that we don't - all all.

In this case it really doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, that is for the courts to decide, it's the public's reaction to the allegations which is worrying. This isn't the first time victims have been portrayed as making up abuse claims for their own personal benefit, and sadly I don't think that it will be the last.

A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to organise and run one of the UK's National Domestic Abuse Conferences and it opened my eyes further to the problem. I remember talking to a police woman who was telling me that when she joined the force she got a distress call by a woman saying her husband was beating her. The police woman arrived at the scene to find the woman covered in blood but was unable to do anything other than call an ambulance and give the husband a caution because at the time there was no law to protect women. That was just 30 years ago.

We have progressed since then yes, but it was only last year that the government passed a law allowing sentencing for those who use the internet and control as a form of domestic abuse, and Clare's Law only came into effect in 2014, allowing the police to disclose someone's past criminal record to a partner if they believe they are in danger.

Rape in a marriage only became illegal in 1991 - that was the year I was born, meaning that it was still legal to rape your spouse in our parents generation. That, to me, is a scary thought.

Currently 2 women are killed every week in Great Britain by a current or former partner, and 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence during their lifetime. Remember though, it happens to men too, and due to the way society reacts, men are less likely to come forward for fear of being treated differently, being told to "man-up" and get over it. This isn't something that we should put to the sidelines, it's something which is a serious problem and needs to be tackled head on.  There are countless charities such as Women's Aid and Refuge which offer support, and Paul Andrew Williams and Regina Moriaty's drama Murdered by My Boyfriend brought a lot of things into the light, but it's not enough. It still happens all the time, albeit behind closed doors.

Domestic violence isn't something that people tend to make up, regardless of their circumstances and going back to our famous strangers caught in the media, remember that Amber Heard would not have been granted a restraining order had there not been grounds for one. The scariest consequence of this though, isn't the media and the twitter trolls, it's the women who are currently being abused who will see how Heard is being treated and decide not to come forward.


Photo: Joe Seer/ shutterstock.co.uk

Disconnecting And Reconnecting With My Life!

Enjoying the view in Queenstown, New Zealand

In the last couple of weeks, something exploded in my life which caused my phone to ring off the hook, my whatsapp to explode with messages and my phone to constantly light up to tell me that I have an urgent e-mail that I need to respond to.

Of course, me being me, I found myself frantically answering all the messages, passing on information and getting very caught up in the whole situation. At least until about two days ago when I stopped, took a look in the mirror and realised how unhealthy it was. I suddenly hated the fact that everyone could get hold of me at any time, from anywhere in the world, through just about every app available. 

With the huge surge in social media over the past few years, and the personal things which have happened to me in the last couple of months, I think I was coming close to forgetting who I really was. I wasn't focussing enough time on me, I was focussing all my efforts on other people.

No caption needed :( 

I have been on some dates recently where the person I am with has checked their phone mid conversation! |While it would be way too easy to push the blame onto someone else I know I too am guilty of constantly whipping out my phone to see if I have any messages, and I hate that. I have friends who, when I see them, are on their phone the whole time and that's fine because that is personal to them, but I don't want to be that way any more. 

Social media literally makes you the most anti social person ever, and I know it is part of modern society, but getting your phone out in front of someone sends the message to them that pretty much anything else in the world is more interesting to you than them. 

So here is my big declaration (drum roll please): I will no longer be buying into the culture of 'digital likes' and seeing how well my photos on instagram are doing and things like that because I have realised that to be honest - I just don't care. I think I am almost (I say almost because I am not there just yet) at the point where I would rather chill and enjoy the view than take a pic for social media straight away.

Me on Magnetic Island in Australia - trying to get as far from civilisation as possible! 

So I have decided to cleanse my digital sphere so to speak. I have deleted snapchat, because to be honest at this moment in my life I don't really care what other people are doing with theirs. I have deleted Facebook and Facebook messenger off my phone, meaning I actually have to log onto it on a computer to see my notifications (archaic I know). But the biggest and best change I have made so far is turning off all the notifications on my phone, it no longer buzzes every five minutes with a new message and actually for the first time in a long time I feel happier because of it. Also to anyone who is in contact with me - I am not ignoring you I swear, I will just get back to you later! :) 

So that said, now it's time for me to literally disconnect from my digital life and start reconnecting with my real one. 

A Night at The Burlesque

So last week I did something a bit different, it was my boyfriend's birthday and instead of doing the standard gift giving and over priced meal out, I decided to book something a bit different - a Burlesque Show!

The opening act... 

It was the first time either of us had been to this type of performance, and after picking my friends brain I opted to go to Proud City in the heart of London. It was had reasonable pricing, and we had a three course meal and a great table to watch the show from. To be honest I didn't really know what to expect, my experience so far of the world of burlesque was literally that movie with Cher and Christina Aguilera, so basically no experience at all.

Me all dressed up! Boom! 

When I old people where I was taking my boyfriend I definitely got some 'roll your eyes' comments thrown my way. Hopefully though, the people involved have learnt from this. You have to understand that burlesque is not about the sexual objectification of women for men - in fact it couldn't be further from that. Any provocative moves which are shown are only sexy because the artist makes it so - they own the sexiness - not the audience. It's a performance and a show, with both male and female burlesque performers taking to the stage.

Nom!

The funny thing is that the male performer ended up being my boyfriend's favourite act!

I was really surprised by the whole experience - I absolutely loved it! The performers captivated the audience and they were all great. We got to see three performers: Missy Fatale, Betsy Rose and Dave the Bear. Each of them captivated the audience with their own personal style.

Missy Fatale oozed classy sexiness with her first act teasing the audience with a feather dance, then she turned up the heat by flame dancing.

Missy Fatale 

Betsy Rose was upbeat and raunchy starting her act with a military inspired strip tease, then following it up with a more sultry and seductive performance.

Betsy Rose

Dave the Bear was hysterical and the audience couldn't take their eyes off him. He completely owned the stage with his provocative moves.

Dave the Bear

The atmosphere was electric, with the compere keeping everyone entertained with some well picked songs and revving up the excitement before each performer took to the stage. There was glitz and glam everywhere with the crowd dressed up for the 1920's theme of the night and the burlesque dancers dazzling in sequins and glitter.

It was a great experience and I would recommend it to anyone, in fact I am just about to book tickets to another show in the summer!

Women Of The World Week

So I know it has been a while since my last post, but I have been super busy with my new job and I've also been knocked over by the good old English cold and have been doing everything possible to get rid of it. Lying in front of the TV for 48 hours anyone? Not that I'm complaining – you would have to pay me to leave the house in this weather!

Anyway back to the reason for this post – today for those of you who don’t know is International Woman’s Day! Yay! And to make this news even better, I am going to see Caitlin Moran tonight for her book launch at the Southbank Centre in London.

This week is Women of the World week (WOW) which aims to encompass everything for every woman. There are talks on the gender pay gap, women’s opportunities, talks from women who have successfully broken the glass ceiling etc. Last year they also had a woman’s weightlifting competition and talks for young girls on why they feel like they can’t go into careers which are ‘for boys’ like mechanics and scientists. Basically this week is just my cup of tea as it provides a space where people can go and openly talk about the issues facing gender equality.

There is a lot of naivety surrounding gender equality, with quite a lot of people wrongly believing that it’s not an issue.  I have friends who have been brought up with an aim to be a housewife, despite a great education, I have friends who think that there is something wrong with them because they are single rather than embracing it as many men do. We still live in a society where girls are deemed 'sluts' for being sexually free whereas men are 'lads'. I, to this day have never seen a TV advert for cleaning where a man is doing the hoovering or washing up, and it’s not even worth getting me started on the idea that women need to change their name and be ‘given away’ when they get married.  So for me the problem of gender equality is very much alive.

But on top of this, there is the elephant in the room – a huge reason to tackle gender equality from a young age. I think the main problem here is that if I think about my female friends, my sisters and their friends I can’t think of a single one, myself included, who hasn’t been sexually assaulted in some form or another. This should be enough of a reason to stand up to change, to stand up for those who are unable to do it for themselves, to stand up to the injustice and victim blaming which has become a part of our society. We live in a society where girls are scared to walk home by themselves at night, scared to talk to strangers and if they get assaulted scared to report it. It’s not their fault.

So make a change, sign up for campaigns such as Emma Watson’s HeForShe, look out for your female friends, your sisters and stand up when you head people making sexist jokes and if my writing hasn’t given you any insight then these videos should do it for you:

Food for thought everyone!

Enjoy Women on the World Week!

NB:Images are not mine and were sourced from Google Images, Video's from YouTube. 

'The Best Things in Life are Free' - So Can Someone Direct Me To Them Please?

I think I have finally managed to get back into the habit of living in London! I have made my peace with the cold, bitter and frankly icy winds, got re-acquainted with my surroundings and even went for my first run! Score!

However according my my beautiful bank balance, going 'Made in Chelsea' crazy in London is completely out of the question! This is the one big problem with travelling for months (even with a bit of freelance work to help me out) and being out of the office for around 7 months. I have spent all of my money! Admittedly it got spent on skydiving, bungee jumping, island hopping and drinking endless coffees in places like Melbourne and Dubai but still!!!

Chilling! 

So now I find myself back in good ol' London wondering how to make the most of it on my diminishing funds. I luckily have an exciting new internship lined up (whoop whoop) which will take up my lovely long day hours but what about the evenings and weekends? Am I going to sit around like a hermit, glaring at the weather? I think not - I shall get the most out of London, even if it bleeds me dry (a high possibility in this case)!

So where to start? Theatre? Food? Fun Stuff? So much to do so little money! But it can be done! It shall be done...

Basically a whole meal right there! #boroughmarket 

Theatre: so I signed up for pretty much every single theatre discount mailing list possible and it worked a dream - I was in the theatre on Saturday night watching a great show for a mere tenner! I refuse to live in the city of theatre and not try and spend every living moment seeing it! The best websites in my opinion are Discount Theatre, Amazon Tickets and Love Theatre.

Food: Restaurants are totally over-rated in my opinion! Its all about the markets. Not cool enough for you? Then Street Feast it is! I went to one in Shoreditch the other day, and even though I don't really fit the Shoreditch mould (at all) the food was delish and super cheap!

Fun Stuff: Ok so I hate paying for things in London, I am much more interested in going to free events, I mean who isn't? And my trusty companion in this is of course Time Out Magazine. My new aim is to try and do a free thing at least twice a week! Plan!

Dinner Time! YUM

So that's it for now, I am going to go back to eating my soup and ryvita (yep that's all I can afford) *insert sad face emoji here*

The Joy's of Job Applications

So here I am back in cold, miserable, rainy England. My travels are over and after recovering from a heart attack when I looked at my recent bank balance I decided that it's probably time to head back to reality and start looking for a job.

I'm sure there's one just around the corner... 

Oh the joys of strolling through job after job, constantly re-doing my CV and applying for jobs with the small hope that at least some of them might bother to reply. Wishful thinking I know, but at least it gets me out of bed in the morning, even if it is with a hat, scarf, gloves and hot water bottles (and that's just on the way to the kitchen), did I mention it was cold?

The current temperature of my flat right now....  

Oh how I thought my life would be different by now, back when I graduated I thought by now I would at least be ruling half the world. Funny how things never go to plan isn't it? I feel like it's far more fun to get stuck into a good new Netflix series and slowly make my way through the hot chocolate in my cupboard. Besides I want to start working on a book and continue my writing and that will make me happy for the rest of my life. The right job will come along!

Simple right?

Wrong! Today everything is about being proactive, picking up the phone and calling that person in HR who never called you back, its about slogging away and hoping that at least something will happen. Yet at the same time you have to know what you want, which not everyone does, and I think that you have to be picky. After spending a year and a half in a career which I hated its time to be more selfish. I am not going to jump into any job and I'm going to focus on the right career and the right company. I know that unfortunately a letter wont come through my door offering me the best job in the world (if it didn't happen with Hogwarts, it won't happen now)!

If I play dead maybe I can get away from reality.....

So I guess with my little rant out of the way it's time to head back to the good old applications and hopefully next time I write a quick something I will be further along the line and not lying on the sofa throwing malteasers in the air and seeing if I can catch them in my mouth.

How to Become an Amateur Adrenaline Junkie

When I booked my travel plans last year, there came a point where my sister and I were sitting down in front of a travel agent and deciding what to do when we got to New Zealand. I don't know whether I felt invincible at this point, or I just decided that the pull of freedom and zero responsibility was too great, but I decided to shorten my expectancy of living by signing up for just about every daredevil experience under the sun including abseiling down into a dark cave, skydiving and throwing myself of a cable car and plummeting 134 meters attached only to a rope... 

The thought of having the time of my life crossed my mind and I signed up for everything under the sun. It wasn't soon until I was abseiling down into a deep, dark cave with no light whatsoever. We arrived at the Waitomo caves in the North Island of New Zealand, underwent a quick safety briefing and were off - into the dark. What happened next was a combination of zip-wiring, swimming, free climbing and exploring the famous glow worm caves.

In the deepest darkest caves 

Next on the list of becoming an adrenaline junkie was taking to the skies for a spot of light Skydiving. A completely new and terrifying experience for me - I mean who doesn't want to jump out of a plane 15,000ft attached to one man? Me - that's who! I did everything I could not to look at my sister, who was jumping first, and then she was at the back of the plane and then she was gone. It was my turn next, I was out... and I lost my stomach. The freefall was one minute; one minute of falling through clouds, petrified but also suddenly loving life. There isn't really anything like falling through the sky so fast you can hardly breath. At some point my guy thought we had had enough fun for one day and pulled the rope, released the parachute and we stared our descent. We skydived over Lake Taupo - one of the most scenic places to skydive in the world, and I for one definitely wasn't disappointed by the views. It took about 10 minutes to get back down to the ground, and I even had my chance at steering a little bit too, although I did pull the wrong rope and we headed off towards the lake instead of land... but never mind. 

Finally came the one thing that I had been half dreading and half looking forward to - the bungee jump! Being the third highest in the world and not off a little bridge but rather a cable care above a canyon, to say I was nervous is the understatement of the century.  Unfortunately I wasn't first... I was fifth, so I got to hear the screams of people as they threw themselves off the ledge and plummeted for about 9 seconds before bouncing up and doing it again, before finally being hoisted back up to the cable car. I was terrified, not because I didn't have faith in the equipment but more because jumping off a ledge tends to go against every single instinct in your body. Nevertheless, I got harnessed up, wobbled to the edge not unlike a penguin, and when I heard the worlds three, two, one, BUNGY I jumped! It felt not as if I was plummeting but rather falling in slow motion, and when I started to bounce up again over and over I was laughing. 

eeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! 

 Adrenaline is a funny thing, you never really know when it is going to kick in, you just know that it will and when it does you feel completely and utterly invincible. Looking back on everything I don't regret signing up for everything, if anything I am starting to plan my next adventure and see what adrenaline activities I can do in the mean time to pass the time. 

All I Want For Christmas Is...A Selfish Tendency.

It's that time of year again, I have opened far too many presents, eaten my body weight in carbs and as a result gained about 50 kilos - but hey it's Christmas so obviously its allowed, right?

Another year has flown by and in that time I have turned my life topsy-turvy in an attempt to find myself. I left my stressful city job, took a huge bite out of my savings and travelled from the Caribbean to Australia to become, for about six months, a true 'backpacker'.

Just a bit of light reading....

Did I find myself? Probably not if I'm being honest, though I did feel that to quote Jean-Paul Satre 'Hell is other people' (no offence). This is not to say that I don't like people, I do but I feel that in most circumstances I preferred my own company: sharing a coffee or a meal with one other person - wonderful, 70 people crowded onto a tiny viewpoint - not so wonderful (for full details see my previous post).  Though I suppose if travelling gave me one lesson to take forward into 2016 it was quite simply: to be selfish. I know that sounds horrible and most of you who know me are probably making a quiet note to avoid me in the future, but I mean it. I feel that one should live life by their own rules and not by rules that someone else has set out for them - you only have one life after all.

This is not to say that I am going to turn into a horrible person (at least I really hope not), instead it means that I am going to learn to put my foot down when I don't agree with something, and not be talked into things by people I don't really even like. 2016 is, fingers crossed, going to be the year I do things my way.

I have plans I want to set into action, I want to write a book and start my own company, I want to hike in Canada and climb Ben Nevis (yep still working on that to do list...) so, as I head off to Malu to spend my New Year in a treehouse (yes a treehouse!!) I'm quite exited to see whether I will be able to achieve some of things I want to do or if 12 months will see me sitting by the fireplace, eating mince pies and saying 'God I wish I had been more Selfish!!".

I guess only time will tell...and to end on a quote from the wonderful Nicki Minaj from The Other Woman: "Selfish People Live Longer!"